Monday, September 19, 2011
separation anxiety, part deux...
If you were reading last week, you might remember I mentioned G.Q. having some separation anxiety issues with school this year. We're now through the third week of school and they continue. *sigh* As badly as I feel for G.Q. as he tries to get past the nerves and go into school without the shove through the door from me; I'm over it. I'm ready to give hugs and kisses on the play ground and walk happily to my car like all the other parents on the playground. Instead, I'm the parent trailing behind, sunglasses on and a tear running down my cheek. It's rough. It's exhausting.
According to G.Q.'s teacher, I'm doing everything right, by giving that push and being on my merry way, but it doesn't feel so right when I'm doing it. I wouldn't call myself a true attachment parenting follower, but we've always tried to really do what is right for G.Q. and what we felt his needs were, so pushing him into something that he doesn't want to seems wrong...even though I know it's right. I know he can handle it emotionally, I know he loves his teacher, I know he has made some friends, I know he loves to learn and really enjoys all that his teacher has taught them so far...doesn't make that shove any easier.
I had no idea how much a bad morning for G.Q. would bring me down, but it sure is a kick in the ass at 8:30am. It's not everyday we have the anxiety, but it's averaging two days each week. Those two days seem to suck the energy out of me. I worry. I stress. I don't do a damn thing, but sit and try to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong...and I come up with the same answer...I don't know. Aren't moms supposed to have all the answers? Why don't I know? Why can't I figure this out?
As I sit, worry and stress, I start to remember my time in first grade. I loved my teacher, I loved school, but I had separation anxiety. I had totally forgotten that last part until G.Q.'s issues made me remember. When I started first grade a new program was being started at my elementary school, a K-1 program, where kids that weren't quite ready for first grade but didn't belong in kindergarten would go. The problem was the program didn't start until a week after school started and my teacher was going to become the K-1 teacher, so I was moved into a different first grade class after just becoming comfortable with my first new teacher. Miss Fahle was my new, new teacher. I thought she was so neat! She was short, so we little first graders loved that. She was young and wasn't married...for some reason I thought that was so fascinating, I imagine because most of the adults in my life were married folk. She was a pretty fancy dresser, too. I remember her fancy high-heeled shoes, they were so cool! As cool and awesome as I thought Miss Fahle was, I didn't want to go to school. It all started with a belly ache when my mom pushed me onto the bus and ended in tears as I sat in my classroom. I can't recall how long this went on, probably just a couple weeks, but I remember having a conference with my teacher and my mom and then suddenly I was fine. No more belly aches, no more tears. What happened in that conference, I don't remember, but it made me turn the corner.
What's going to make G.Q. turn that corner? I don't know. I keep coming up with that answer. I don't know. How freaking frustrating is that? I'm hoping it's time, maybe it's chatting with the guidance counselor. Whatever it is, I'd like it to all happen very soon, for my sanity. How selfish is that? I'd like to become more productive and not worry how long G.Q. sat sadly at his desk, wishing I would have let him stay with me. I'd like to enjoy the free time I have while he's at school to get back to my scrapbooking and anything else I want to do. I knew when I became a stay-at-home-mom that I wouldn't have much time to myself until school started, well school has started and I want my free time!